We love the sound of our own voices, and there’s a condition associated with narcissism that calms people when they look at pictures of themselves (if you’ve ever wondered why we take so many selfies). The same goes for values. We like to hear our own values echoed back to us. If we took a real look at our circle of friends we’d find people who have the same value system. Yeah, there might be some differences in opinion, but no deal breakers. Just echoes of eternal conformity.
I get agitated when I feel comfortable. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m genetically predisposed to nonconformity (as my Aspie profile seems to dictate). Because of this I tend to like being in uncomfortable situations. I like being the odd one out. I don’t make it into people’s circle of friends. Living a life on the periphery leaves me with a life lived under the bus, true, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. If someone else doesn’t disrupt my normalcy, I’ll disrupt it myself, and no one wants that because it’s not pretty.
Life on the periphery offers perspectives outside the box (when I say box I’m meaning myopic points of view), and I tend to analyze power structures and how people try to control other people. I’m not sure why I do this. I could focus on a million other things, but for some reason I have this moral (maybe overly righteous) compass that is insulted by destructive human actions (another Aspie syndrome). I understand and don’t understand why we destroy each other. Because of this my brain is constantly trying to discover solutions to our worst human tendencies. I want to fix populations, systemically, to stop destroying, ultimately, themselves.
That exposes where my own control issues coincide with the rest of the population. I’m not a saint and definitely not a purist. The evangelical engine doesn’t only exist in major religions, but can speak to a quality in certain people to want other people to stop doing terrible things. But I like to think I also exist primarily on the periphery of myself, because I’m real good at self reflection. I’m good at criticizing myself and my own thought processes. I’m okay with being wrong, because being wrong is uncomfortable and that’s the state of being I’m most comfortable in.
If I lived in a box of echoes, if I’m just as subject as anyone else, then I’d live in a box of echoes that disrupts other echoes, and subsequently other boxes. Maybe in my desire to stop destruction I am a destroyer, and my reflection is too ugly to look at because I don’t want to realize it takes the collapse of one universe to begin the expanse of another, to rebuild one box we have to use the bloody walls from one taken apart. Maybe I want to keep my hands clean, and keep your hands clean, but in doing so…maybe it takes multi-unanimous conformity. Of which I cannot in good conscience participate.
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